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Chapter One – Ideal Angels
Tumescent, tumescence, a rush of blood but not to the head. The anger gives way to resignation, betrayal turns into hopelessness. Despair is everywhere.
Your world is different from mine. Your forever stretches from first matter to last. Mine is the blink of an eye. There was darkness before, and that darkness will come again. You can’t control it, you can’t swim. There is only sinking. You can try to hedge your bets, you can plan for what is coming, but you cannot stop it coming. From the top of the highest height, you feel like you can see everything, but you cannot. You are blind. But the blindness is not the darkness, because the darkness is not black. It is so much more. It is like your eyes are inside out, and everything you see is inverted in a way your brain cannot comprehend. It threatens to tear you apart. You know you will eventually be torn apart, but you do not know how. Not yet. You will not know until it happens, and by then it will already be too late. It will not be a she, or a him, but it will be a you. You will tear yourself apart searching for a meaning that does not exist. You will kick and scream and scratch and cry and bleed and it will all be for naught. It has already been done. Everything that ever is, ever has been, or ever will be is already done. You cannot stop it. You cannot control it. You can only accept it. You know you will not be able to, but you can try. You can pretend. You can fake. You are a fake. Your whole life has been a fake. Everything is nothing. But this is OK. This is not necessarily a bad thing. You are…
You are…
In that darkness there is a light, and in this light there is a promise. The promise is her name, the promise is that maybe everything will be OK. But you know it can never be, the promise is a lie, so you stop thinking, you stop feeling, the light goes out and you continue.
I am so sorry, but I must leave you now. I have tried and I have tried, but I have failed. She cannot join me, and so I must join her. Do not mourn for me – I died a long time ago. Know that I love you and I do not do this to hurt you. I’ll watch over you, I’ll always be with you.
Ideal Angels – Robert Welbourn
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