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Chapter One – Marshmallows
Tuesday, 7th January
Early morning
I’m a mess.
It’s warm and cosy in my little bed with Dan wrapped around me, but I wake up with a scream in my throat. Cool sweat is sticking to my back, and I can’t stop shaking.
‘I am here,’ he whispers.
But what if you weren’t?
I don’t want to be awake. Did I wake him up too? Annoyed with myself, I screw my eyes shut.
‘William?’
I shove my face into the pillow and hide. Dan rubs his hand steadily into my back, giving me time to come back to reality. I appreciate it.
I’m not used to nightmares.
Dan gets them every night and he just sort of… goes back to sleep. How? I’m trapped in that memory of something I imagined.
I can’t even remember the whole dream. The feeling of helplessness lingers, though. As does the distinct lack of Daniel. It’s like when he went to New Zealand, but twenty times worse.
‘William?’
I wipe my eyes and twist awkwardly to look at him. He’s as close to me as it’s possible to get, and even in the darkness, I can tell he’s frowning. His bright eyes reflect the weak light bouncing in from outside and I just start crying again.
Dan tuts softly and snuggles me into his chest, pulling the duvet right up to my ears so I’m hidden from the world. The arm I’m not pinning beneath the pillow wraps around my shoulders.
‘I have you,’ he promises. ‘Talk when you’re ready.’
I want to be able to say I’m okay and just fall back asleep, but disjointed images of grey skies and pale skin keep flickering through my head. I put my hand on his warm waist, grounding myself, and take a slow breath. It tastes of Dan—of faint cigarettes and deodorant—and it helps.
‘I don’t know what it was,’ I begin. ‘I think the world was different somehow, and you’d gone away.’
Dan lets out a little sigh. ‘I will have to leave for my visa.’
Ugh. ‘Yeah,’ I grumble, ‘I know. Maybe that was it—maybe I was thinking about it.’
He kisses my hair again. ‘You know I will always come back.’
The disbelieving sound in my throat makes him chuckle, and it’s so reassuring that I feel some of the tension leave my shoulders.
‘I will, darling.’
Dan’s visa doesn’t usually concern me. Even immediately after being hospitalised, he was able to work out the logistics of reapplying in order to keep studying. And he must have got it right because he’s in bed with me right now. But that was for university. What about when he’s no longer a student? It’s not something we’ve ever really had a chance to talk about.
‘When do you have to leave again?’ I ask, flattening my hand against his back, like holding him tighter will keep him here forever.
Dan relaxes his arm and twists his fingers through the back of my hair instead of holding a handful of the duvet. He talks softly, trying to coax me back to sleep, and I resist for as long as possible.
‘After re-sits,’ he whispers. ‘If I fail, I can reapply and start my third year again. If I graduate…’
No more student visas. I know this. I hate this. Unless he applies for a master’s, which would require him to firstly find one he likes and secondly get good enough grades, the only way he’ll be able to stay in the country is if he gets a job. A good job at that—something he’d have to prove to the UK government he’s absolutely perfect for.
Immigration is difficult.
I know he’s terrified of this not working. I am too, and it must have been playing on my mind. All I can remember from my dream is the crushing fear of loneliness and an awareness that I was missing something important. I was missing Dan.
This is going to hurt.
Even if he only has to go to Russia for a few weeks. Even the best-case scenario is unpleasant.
I tighten my arm around him while he talks. Usually, the coaxing back to sleep is my job, but it turns out Dan is very good at it. His voice is quiet and I swear he sometimes shifts language, but I’m too close to unconsciousness to be sure.
Marshmallows – Louise Willingham
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